


How CC Offed Krycek

by Rina9294



Category: The X-Files
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-15
Updated: 2017-01-15
Packaged: 2018-09-17 18:41:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9337979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rina9294/pseuds/Rina9294
Summary: CC is worse than the Grinch in my book.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is Rina. This is Rina typing with a broken wrist. This is Rina typing with a broken wrist on pain-killers after watching the horrid episode I will not name. Nuff said?  
> Originally posted May 2001.

Every fan  
Out in slash-ville  
Liked Krycek a lot...

But CC  
Who lived out on the beach  
He did NOT!

CC hated Alex! Never mind he was quite pleasing  
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.  
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.  
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.  
But I think that the most likely reason of all  
May have been that his plotlines were two sizes too small

But,  
Whatever the reason,  
His plot or his shoes,  
He stood there at Season 8, having to choose  
Staring down from his cave with a sour, creator's frown  
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.  
For he knew every fan in slash-ville out there  
Was setting their VCR waiting for Alex to air.

"And they're wearing black leather!" he snarled with a sneer.  
"Tonight's the finale! It's practically here!"  
Then he growled, with his tanned fingers nervously drumming,  
"I MUST find a way to get rid of that Krycek and make Mulder quit slumming!"  
For, tomorrow, he knew all those he would malign  
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush to get on-line!  
And then! Oh, the rumors! Oh, the rumors! Rumors! Rumors! Rumors!  
That's one thing he hated! The RUMORS! RUMORS! RUMORS! RUMORS!

Then the fans, young and old, would sit down to a chat.  
And they'd chat! And they'd chat!  
And they'd CHAT! CHAT! CHAT! CHAT!  
They would start on what Krycek wore, and then what he said  
Then wonder if Mulder was giving him head!

And THEN  
They'd do something he liked least of all!  
Every fan down in slash-ville, the tall and the small,  
With keyboards a'clicking  
They'd type with two hands. And the fans would start ficcing!

They'd fic! And they'd fic!  
AND they'd FIC! FIC! FIC! FIC!  
And the more CC thought of the fans' Krycek-fic  
The more CC thought, "This whole thing makes me sick!  
"Why for over six years I've put up with it now!  
I MUST make Krycek pure evil!  
...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!  
An awful idea!  
CC GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" CC laughed in his throat.  
And he wrote up a script and sat back to gloat.  
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great X-Files trick!  
"With the end of this season, there'll be no need for Nick!"

"This idea's a definite winner."  
CC typed with speed.  
But couldn't decide how to do the foul deed.  
Did that stop old CC....  
No! CC simply said,  
"If I can't find a reason, I won't give one instead!"  
So he called AD Skinner. Then he took out a gun  
And he gave it to Walter, saying "This will be fun."

THEN  
He threw some aliens  
And some gross severed heads  
In the effects budget  
And he settled back in bed

Then CC said, "Roll tape!"  
The ep started to play  
In the homes where the fans  
Sat awaiting the day

When their Alex would be shown for the man he could be  
Beloved of Fox Mulder and all around hottie

When he came to the first commercial break in the show  
"This is stop number one," the old Surfer Dude hissed  
And he tossed out more twists and turns from his fist.

He had Alex take off, leaving Skinner alone  
To face Billy Miles that alien clone  
As Walter raced toward him down that long Bureau hall  
Alex was set up for another moral fall  
Not opening the doors for AD Walt Skinner  
Was sure to show folks Krycek wasn't a winner

As Scully and Reyes drove deep in the South  
Doggett listened to Adam Baldwin shooting off his mouth.  
Our Johnny's hometown could bring anyone down  
Is it now any wonder why he always does frown?  
As he ran with the plot, old CC risking libel  
Pulled out all stops and called up the Bible

When Monica saw a great star in the sky  
She felt an off vibe, but she couldn't lie  
She cleaned out that gross old room quick as a flash  
You'd think, if you saw her, she did if for cash

Billy Miles showed up, and he looked sort of hot  
But the game warden chick finished him off with one shot

Back at the Bureau, Mulder started to stew  
So much could go wrong, and his Alex was gone too!  
While in the garage, he spotted a car  
He sent Doggett inside, now Krycek wouldn't go far.

CC heard a knock on his door and peeked out  
He spotted a fan, who then started to pout  
She looked at CC, then she sniffled and started to cry  
"Chris Carter why? Why are you planning on having Krycek die?"

But, you know, that CC was so smart and so quick  
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!  
"Why, my sweet little fan," the old surfer dude lied  
"Its for the good of all you see. With Mulder soon gone, he has no reason to be."  
"So off he will go to a far better place.  
"Nick Lea has other jobs and this gives him more space."

And his fib fooled the fan. Then he patted her head  
And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.  
All the while snickering at the silly rat-fan,  
"There's only one hero, and Mulder's the man!"

With Scully now stuck as she went into labor  
Doggett needed to ask Mulder for a favor  
And while Fox he chatted on his trusty cell phone  
A shattered in window proved he wasn't alone

And the look on his face went from glee to surprise  
When the gun Alex held on him prompted more lies  
"It's what the script says," Alex moaned out in pain  
"I have to do it," was the horrid refrain

Then he was forced to recite some pure crap  
Related to the fact the whole thing was a trap

The agonized look in our dear Krycek's eyes  
Said more than words, just where his heart lies  
Even though his true feelings, he's learned to disguise

CC shouted of contracts and also of suing  
While inside Krycek's head an idea was brewing  
Never be without backup plans one, two and three  
For him to survive this he had to ditch CC  
While Mulder stood there, warily watching  
Alex spouted out lines with no fear at all of botching

Reyes proved to be handy with a pan of hot water  
While the game warden turned out to be nobody's daughter  
While Scully inside she turned white as a sheet  
This labor thing really it wasn't a treat  
Skinner arrived and shot our poor rat  
In his one good arm, there was no call for that!  
And all the fans out in shash-ville they all cried boo hoo  
For they knew what Walt was now supposed to do

"That's a noise," grinned CC,  
"That I simply must hear!"  
So he paused. And CC put a hand to his ear.  
And he did hear a sound ring over the snow.  
It started in low. Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad!  
Why, this sound sounded angry  
And it wasn't the fans  
It was dear old Walt Skinner

He fired a round, shot it up in the air  
And he skewered the plotline, another hole, so there!  
Then he shook  
When he scrambled into the black car

For Mulder was crouched before dear wounded Alex  
Protecting him from old CC's further malice

"That's it, I'm gone, I've got a baby coming," Walt cried  
And he slammed the car door and went for a ride

And CC, with his bony feet deep in the sand,  
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "This I can't understand.  
How dare they save Krycek, he's slated to die  
And Mulder, not Skinner should be up in the sky  
Following that light, that beacon, that star  
To find Momma Scully he'll have come far  
Then CC thought of something he hadn't before!  
"Maybe characters," he thought, "have a life of their own  
"Maybe characters, and truths I should leave them alone.

And what happened then...?  
Well...in slash-ville they say  
That CC's small heart  
Grew three sizes that day!  
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,  
He sat at his iMac and started to type!  
And he fixed up our Alex, kept him safe from harm  
And to make things even better, CC gave back his arm!

And for one final thing, to give fans what they'd missed,  
CC had Mulder and Krycek end the season with a kiss.


End file.
